it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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