wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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