the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
cat food counts as protein by the way
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize