tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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