I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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