So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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