I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
