shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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