3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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