So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
