3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
then he tried to convert me to islam
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
