We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
