I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
