I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
