He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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