the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize