Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
