I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
