i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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