i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
