and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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