mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
