I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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