Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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