Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
