I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
