we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
