It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
