i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
