I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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