I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
