I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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