You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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