Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
