doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
