I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
