So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize