Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Houston, we have a squirter
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize