Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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