I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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