He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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