Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
