She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My feet surprised me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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