OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
