I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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