i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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