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I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
