i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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