when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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