so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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