i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
