He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
