Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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