We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
