Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
