I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
