Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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