Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
