Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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